i have about four weeks left of this semester before summer hits. i cannot wait until all of the homework and constant paper-writing is done. its like im moving non-stop. there is no resting here, if you're not sitting in class, you're studying or writing something totally pointless and stupid. i cant stand it... and then again, i have no desire to go back home. i miss my friends terribly, but i cant stand the thought of being away from here for three and a half months. and while im on that topic, since when is a normal summer been three and half fucking months... i thought it was two.

this is the first time in my life i have found someone i cant stand to be without. I can barely go two days without her before i feel like im dying on the inside. and now i have to go a thousand damn times longer and im supposed to just be okay? no matter who i talk to, nobody seems to understand why it is such a big deal to me. if you dont understand, then whatever, but dont try and convince me that im being stupid.

this summer is going to be awful. all im going to do is work... thats it.

some people are just not meant to drink, pretty much ever.

I pretty much have one good friend here, and last night she turned into a giant whore-bitch because she got wasted.

i feel bad for her cause every bad thing that can happen to a person has happened to her basically in the last month. Her parents pretty much hate her for reasons i will delicately leave out of this post, she got mugged about a week ago at a gas station, she showed up at my dorm with a fucking razor threatening to cut herself or commit suicide... not sure which one, and to top it all off, her best friend from back home in miami was raped and murdered a couple days ago.

i feel for her... i really do, but she refuses to deal with anything thats happened. she just jumps around all happy and annoying as hell cause she doesnt want to deal. Thanksgiving rolls around and my family decides to come visit me cause i cant go home, so i havent called her in a couple of days. She sends me this random ass text message last night accusing me of not caring about her at all. she's freaking out all night long cussing me out and I didnt even really know whats going on.

eventually i just stopped responding so she tried to call me, but i dont answer for insane bitches. this morning she apologizes and blames it on her drunken stupidity, but she doesnt even know the things she said to me...

alcohol is never an excuse for your actions. dont expect any sympathy from me.

just bought my paramore ticket!!

One of the few perks to going to school in the Nashville area is being able to go to paramore's hometown shows. Even if the venue is bigger than Im used to.

But, honestly, the best part is that my sister will be visiting me so we can go together like old times : )

I was so damn excited to come here. I wanted to be so far away from everyone and now I want nothing more to be back in the familiar again. People expect me to give up and run back home, which means I cant do it. They think I have given up on this place, and they might be right. I dont know what else to do. But being alone all day everyday isnt fun. Even being surrounded by people, Im still not comfortable with anyone. Im sorry going out and getting drunk doesnt sound like a good "bonding" experience to me. It sucks that I cant meet people just cause I dont like to party.

Im here in Murfreesboro... finally. I have made up my little corner of my dorm in Wood hall as much as I can without my roomate. She is MIA right now. I thought she was going to come on friday like everyone else, but It's still just me. I dont want to go to the dining hall alone... so Im also starving and I dont think I have any money to buy any food or anything that I need for my room.

also Im having an internal panic attack knowing that I am hundreds of miles away from eveyone I know.

Im finally home. Im exhausted, but I get to spend the next two days packing all my stuff. The good news is that my tattoo no longer looks like a disease. It was really gross for a while cause it was just one giant scab. But its starting to heal now and it looks pretty awesome.

Ewe... im in pain right now. My stomach hurts like hell, not sure why. Whatever. Im about to go home from NC. I Was helping my grandparents fix their apartment up. That's right, Im handy.

I leave on Friday for college... FINALLY. MTSU will be fun. The shock of not having Challee here with me is over. Its still sad, but it's allowing me to get more excited. Im glad i finally am though, considering that I leave in 3 days. I should really pack or something.

fighting with my mom. fantastic. I got to King George and we started fighting about money almost immediately. I forgot how much it hurts to fight with her. She doesnt just get angry like my dad. She gets mad and yells and throws some pretty powerful insults my way. Its just really stupid and I cant really figure out why I'm still here. I dont want any of her money. I'll get student loans or whatever but I dont want her help anymore and I dont want her car. I dont want her or anyone else to have the ability to hang something over my head just to win an argument.

She got mad at Challee too. Neither of us like to here either of my parents talk bad about the other. Despite all of my problems with them, I love them both and I dont want to here them badmouthed my anyone but... well, me. My dad respects it and doesnt call her a bitch or "the evil" in front of me anymore, but when Challee asked her to stop she flipped out. I just dont get it. I really think she might be bipolar though. It would explain the mood swings.

i'm forseeing a big family fall-out right before I go to tennessee for the rest of my life.

Im kind of tired and Im sitting in my livingroom. I am supposed to go to some island with my friends in a week and I dont think I have enough money. College is casting a giant gloomy shadow on my life. I seem to have to force my sister to hang with me anymore. And... as a grand finale, my boyfriend just told me that we need to "talk"... fuck.

its a mediocre crappy day.

My last summer vacation before college is coming to an end much too soon. I feel like I have done nothing but work... which is probably the truth.

I went to GYE (the Gettysburg Yearbook Experience) as a DA this year. I am well aware of how rediculously dorky that makes me sound. All I did was photography though, so hopefully that takes me up a couple of "cool" notches. In any case, it was amazingly fun and I sincerely miss all of my fellow DAs and cant wait until next year so I can go again.

I find myself currently in a new and odd relationship. Its legitimate and all, its just different. Its exclusive, but casual...ish. To be honest, I think I just dont really know whats going on. the usual for me. But, get this... his name is Lennon McCartney. I thought it was cool. everyone else finds the need to make fun of me.

Ok... Uh, Warped Tour was yesterday in Maryland. Which was rediculous. I ended up just following Paramore around all day. But then I had a little internal bitch fit when their signing was canceled. But, they were redeemed by having an acoustic set at the myspace tent. It was pretty good. The only really bad thing was that I had to survive 30 minutes in hell's mosh pit during Killswitch Engage to get a good spot for Paramore. My nose was bleeding and I basically got my ass kicked before I group of really nice metal-heads saw the lone weak female in an angry crowd of moshers and formed a psudo sheild around me and sheltered me from the madness. It was actually pretty awesome. And, I made it to the front gate for Paramore, so... VICTORY!


so... 30 days until I leave for College in Nashville. I, freakin out!

i need to write my senior speech. A heartwrenching, nostalgic piece of work that should leave no dry-eyes. Or at least, that's the idea. I am going to have lie my ass off. What have I learned in High School? Everything I have to say will simply depress or anger people. So here's what I really think:

We come to high school, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Four years ahead of us, and not a clue as to what will happen to us, and how we will change. Some for the better, and a lot for the worse. Innocence is most often stolen away somewhere in the midst of these four years. You may take that as you wish. You will make the "friends of a lifetime". A BFF, or "best friend forever". What most of us didnt know was that when that four years is done, mostly everyone goes their seperate ways, and all of those unbreakable friendships fade away. What's left of most of those friendships is a small reach out on myspace or facebook, and several awkward encounters over winter break.


I bet that speech would kill their colleigate mood.

It is almost 1 am, which is very late for me... and I am falling asleep as write this. I have decided that I am really sad that in one week my brother is leaving to go to basic training. I wont see him for a long time and its going to suck. this is the first time in a very long time that we have gotten really close, so it kind of sucks. And... in the next two months, I will be leaving the family nest to go to college... 12 friggin hours away from everyone I know. My twin sister is going to Shepherd University in West Virginia, and I am going to Middle Tennessee Sate in Murfreesboro. Im going to be vrying myself to sleep at night for months. I just think that its weird and it sucks that everyone in my family is departing at pretty much the same time... and I wont have any friends where Im going to keep me from goin insane. whoo

I have sincerely decided that every single person that lives on this earth is totally screwed up... in one way or another. The idea of it all is, how well can you hide it?

you might be a cutter, you might be an alcoholic, or a pill-popper, or bulimic or anorexic... or "other". It doesnt matter, some can hide it really well, others not so much. i dont like all the secrets that come with life. It kind of sucks.

I have discovered recently that music has taken over every bit of my life. Everything I do is controled by it. I dream of it, and think about it constantly. I really need to start a band. I mean, Challee and I are performing at the talent show next week and I just want to do so much more.

Im going to college to study music recording... so thats definately a start. I just have a weird feeling all the time. Its really inspiring to reach for my dreams, but it also bothers me because I freak out about the posibility of never doing what I really want, which is to make music. I just have to DO SOMETHING. thats really just it. Im trying to make strides here... maybe I will teach myself to play another instrument or something. I should learn drums, I can already play guitar and bass.

... either way this obsession cant be healthy. today I played guitar until my fingertips cracked and bled. all I can say... "WTF"

the Paramore concert was awesome. It was at the 9:30 club and it was just amazing. All the opening bands were great too. Challee caught one of Zac's drum sticks and she gave it to me... so I way excited about that. Basically, it was a pretty damn good concert.

I feel shallow and stupid. I am affected by really dumb things, and I feel like the myspace top 8 was creatied by the devil. let me elaborate. I have a core group of friends, and i am in every one of their top 8's... BUT, i am the last of the friends on every one of their pages. Why this bugs me so much, I have NO FUCKING IDEA. I feel comepletely rediculous right now.

my woes are not all caused by this though. a couple days ago one of my best friends got really upset at me for something very stupid. i really dont like upsetting people, I always feel like if they get mad at me once that they will hate me forever. No matter what she says now im always going to have that feeling that she doesnt like me. so, basically, my friendship with her is ruined.

With everything that is going on, i just feel very stuck right now. Im a friend to many people, but not good enough of a friend for anyone to really call on. im more than an accquaintance, but not really a "good friend". its like being on a sports team, but always sitting the bench. you know you were good enough to make the team, but you never get to play... just not quite part of the group ya know?

I have never been the kind of girl who attracts a lot of people. My relationships have gone in the same pattern since I was in the 8th grade; I like someone and I basically pine over them for a long time... they eventually like me back and I date this person for a month, never any longer than that (yea that means my longest relationship is a month). Once this relationship is over, I dont date anyone again for about a year. So I basically have one relationship per year, but not this year.
This year started out with the same pattern, I liked Barth and pined over him for about a month. He started to flirt back and we dated for about a month and a half, but as usual, he broke up with me for reasons I still dont know. But that doesnt matter cause Im over it. About two weeks after that some other guy tells me he's liked me for a while and now that Barth is out of the picture, he wants to date me. I guess I was in a rebound mode and I led him on for a while. I didnt date him, but I made out in the hallway with him. I pretty much decided that night that I didnt like him and broke it off really before it began.
Ok, so this is where the soap opera part starts. Yesterday I was standing in the gym before the spring pep rally where my AFJROTC drill team was doing an exhibition performance. I was just standing there talking to some of the cadets when the cadet Drill team commander (who I had been working with all year on drill team) leans over a whsipers in my ear that he thinks hes falling in love with me. Honestly, I forgot what I was saying mid sentence. He's cute, I like him, but he has a girlfriend. Who says that to someone when they have a girlfriend, come on. Anyways, I drove him home and he kissed me before he got out of the car... and now I dont know what to do. I know its wrong to want to be with someone who has a girlfriend, and I feel unbelievably guilty about it, but I dont know what to do. He says he wants to be with me, but he doesnt want to break up with his girlfriend... so this is my confusion for the month.

so, the previous journal posting is kind of depressing, but im ok now. it only took 24 hours for my broken relationship depression to turn into pure hatred and anger. always a good way to recover.

Last night, I got some devestating news. And im not sure if Im ok or not. Im trying to be ok, trying to tell myself that she will be ok, but I dont know. All I know is that I dont know how Im supposed to survive in college in Tenessee while she is in West Virginia and Im not going to know what is going on with her. If she's happy or sad or angry. I wont be able to keep an eye on her. I just dont know...

On a waaay happier note. I might just have a prom date, as long as I can keep from fucking up my chances for a month. Last night we IMed for a really long time. it was actually kind of weird, cause I dont ever talk to him in person, just online. We will have to fix that. Anyways, our conversation was just friendly at first, but it became overwelmingly flirtatious as time went on. Nothing like someone telling you how hot you are to get over the douche that broke up with you and wont tell you why.

... so this post is a serious mixed emotion. There is potentially very good news, and extremely bad news. I like emo rollercoasters.

i dont really understand how it only takes one person, and one relationship to make you feel like you dont matter. I just cant figure out what is wrong with me that I cant keep anyone for more than a month. I feel like a fool for finally opening up and having it bite me in the ass.

my dad is really being stupid right now. I dont know how many times I told him that I wont eat pork, but he continuously tries to trick me into eating it. He cooked spaghetti and told me that it was beef in the sauce, but he lied. My brother told me it had pork in it, and I got pissed. He yelled at me and told me that I should stop eating alltogether. This would be one of the times when I severely dislike him. fucking jerk.